Viability

We passed a very important milestone this month. I held my breath through every appointment (some, quite scary) as we struggled to find the baby's heartbeat several times. I usually take weekly belly pictures and chronicle my journey but this time, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like holding back was the only solution and I couldn't emotionally handle getting excited or hopeful. As time has gone on, it's gotten much easier. We of course picked names and as the baby started moving, we started to feel attached. That was scary too.

Emotions go up and down and it's really hard to find an even keel still. Although the wound has stopped bleeding, the gaping hole remains. We have a lot going with other things as well and it has made it just that much harder to dig up the motivation necessary to push myself into all the things I've been meaning to do! Which there's a huge laundry list, but we're getting there! Nesting has already started and we had to order a new playpen for Lili which is actually more meant for Eliza since Lilija will outgrow it soon. Which brings us back to viability. Eliza (well, our MaterniT21 testing determined baby was a girl, and ultrasound said *maybe* baby is a boy, but with our current record of two girls; we're going to go ahead and assume baby is a she!) reached viability on Leap Day. We had an appointment this past Monday and we're measuring right on track. It is a huge, huge weight off of our shoulders and we finally feel able to really be excited. I know that anything can still happen, but it was that one milestone that made the difference for us this time.

I'm looking for a new job but I'm not really sure anyone will be willing to hire me at 25+ weeks pregnant right now, but the job I currently have is causing too much stress and madness for us. The schedule is never regular except for knowing I almost exclusively work afternoons/nights and many of my shifts call for me to leave the house at 2:30-3pm and get home at 11:30-12am. The only thing keeping me from outright quitting is knowing we have Eliza coming. After she is born, I am pretty sure I will not be going back and instead will focus on trying to land a new (hopefully better paying, even just by a little!) job since the one I'm at is asking for me to basically be lower-middle management for barely minimum wage but still haven't been trained for all aspects of my job. I am just ready to wash my hands of it and move on to better things.

J and I took our friend out to dinner for her birthday today. We hardly get out and it's so refreshing to get out even for just an hour or two (yes, even wrangling kids in a busy, tiny but packed pizzeria) and not stress about errands we have hanging over our heads on my meager days off. We're going to plan some sort of babymoon I think but we haven't even tried to figure out what yet. I know it will all depend on my job's scheduling and approval for time off.

In the meantime I'm hoping to sink my claws into a whole slew of projects (hopefully) that will help with the lack of fulfillment I'm getting on the job front. I've shelved a lot of my interests and projects to work hard for this job and it feels like I'm hammering at granite with flint. I've sort of lost myself and I need to find my creative spark and madness again to offset everything else going on! Definitely something I've changed my mind on - growing up poor I vowed to put everything second to financial security and that you can't split your focus if you truly want to succeed; but I now see that you can have both even if it's difficult...because it's necessary. 

Overall, hurrah! I can't wait to see where this year is going to lead us after so many storms. The clouds can't eclipse the rainbow.

Rainbows Come After the Storm

I've decided to do another post about the miscarriage issue. I think it's important (if only for my own peace of mind) to explain a little more about the emotions of miscarriage, loss, recovery, life after, and trying to become pregnant with a rainbow baby.

Learning to try to live life "normally" again, as if your child didn't exist and your world didn't stop in an instant is probably the worst part of it all. Because people forget, and it's like no one cares anymore that you still are thinking about your child and haven't moved on. Moving on... that's exactly the hardest part. The world continues to move on, even though you are still reeling over why no one else has stopped. You know you too, must move forward even if you aren't moving on. That is scary.  The guilt of trying to "go back" to life is overbearing as to do that, one must actually put down the weight of their miscarriage if even for just a portion of their day. For me at least, it felt like putting down my child and forgetting about them for a while. Guilt stabs at you for that.

Yet, you learn how to manage. You smile again, laugh again, go back to making dinner, going to work. Your routine. And then you remember and your whole world stops again and you feel ripped in two. How many times I've cried for my child and wondered why me, of all people. I'm not perfect. I'm not a perfect mom. But damn it, I loved my child and wanted my child, and as my due date approaches I find myself once again trying to understand why it's me who doesn't get to hold their baby at the end.

For some of us, who go back to trying to conceive and carry a baby to term in the wake of loss, it brings additional emotions of guilt, fear, anger, bitterness, and hope. You are hoping so hard that this time, this time you will get to hold your baby at the end of it all. You will get your rainbow, you hope. But what if your baby thinks you are trying to replace him/her? Would they be mad at you? Even if you understand why miscarriages happen, you wonder what could be so special this time around to warrant deserving this pregnancy and baby? Anger at why it may have worked this time but not last time. You want all your babies, and you still can't understand why you can't have them all.

So here's where I'm at. I got my positive pregnancy test on October 5. My grandfather's anniversary. Definitely just one baby this time, after it was determined my last two pregnancies were twins. One heartbeat, tiny little thing. I usually get two due dates, and this time is no different. Baby is due around June 11 or June 20. I'm still holding my breath. I had my ultrasound today and even though it's comforting that baby is in there, and has a heart beat...it's still nerve-wracking because you know that that's just for today. That's just this time. You still have plenty of time to get heartbroken again. I'm simultaneously relieved and scared shitless. Simultaneously hopeful and heartbroken that I have to do this all over again (worry, puke, worry, hope, pray...that things work out this time). Trying not to be bitter because you know that regardless of how hard you hope and pray, you know that you have exactly zero control over the ultimate outcome despite how bad you want it.

That's exactly how it is. At least for me and the moment I am in now.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.