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Friday, August 11, 2017

Stormy Seas

So, it's been a while.

Honestly, I haven't even been interested in blogging since last year. Shortly after my last post, everything was still falling apart. I managed to convince my manager to allow me to swap some shifts so I could get a few days off to see my grandmother. We planned to take my mother's minivan and visit for a weekend as my grandmother began deteriorating very quickly at the end of last August.

We drove up with two month old Eliza, 5 year old Maire, and 2 year old Lili. Jeff had just broken his toe, so he wasn't able to do a lot of driving. Right before we left, we were told by her hospice nurse that she had about two weeks left. The day we left, we were told more like a week. While we were almost there, we were told a few days. She was deteriorating - quickly. When we got there, we were able to stay at my parents' house. We were lucky that the oldest girls didn't actually feel uncomfortable in a new place and slept in one of my brother's beds (he was staying with his girlfriend).

Anyways, we immediately settled in and waited for my grandmother to feel ready for us to visit. Her state was so poorly that she had bouts of real pain and had to be medicated almost to the point of unconsciousness. I was afraid most of our visit would be spent that way. I was pleasantly surprised though that she was ready for us to visit within an hour or so of our arrival. She lived in the same apartment complex my parents did, so it was just a walk over.

She was extremely happy to see me and was able to sit up for a little while and watch the girls play on the balcony with me. She wasn't strong enough to hold Eliza but I placed her on her chest for a few moments anyways. It was hard to see her like that, as she was still a very young grandma to me at just 66, and I had never anticipated seeing her again under that kind of circumstance. I was suddenly really overwhelmed with it even though I thought I was prepared. Really, I was just in denial.

My brothers took the older girls for a walk to the park across the street to play while I hung around without the kids. My uncle and his girlfriend helped with Eliza while we all chatted for a while. During our visit she needed to be medicated strongly again and take some rest. The visit wasn't long enough for me, but I don't know that it ever could have been.

The next morning, I woke up to the bad news that she was slipping away already. I went over and spent a few moments alone with her and she could hardly speak. She did tell me that she waited for me to visit and she was still there for me. Later that morning, she passed away surrounded by her loved ones. Getting to say goodbye brought some closure, but even a year later I'm torn up about it.

The other issue is that I got a text from a coworker that I needed to come back 1200 miles even though my manager granted me time off because she was telling coworkers she was going to just fire me for going to visit my dying grandmother. I ended up having to leave that afternoon because I couldn't afford to lose my job - meaning I was going to miss my grandmother's wake and funeral.

That was the last straw for me with that job and I had a new job by the end of September, and officially quit in November. Since then it seems the flow of horrible issues hasn't stopped, but I'm trying to ride the waves until the storm is over. It seems calm seas is becoming more of a rarity, but we're strong enough to withstand anything it brings.

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