Game-Changers

Since Eliza was born we've had some game-changers going on. Everything has been extremely complicated in all fronts of my life. I have hardly had time for anything or anyone and it has been so crazy.

Our car's brakes went to the floor a few days after Eliza was born. We ended up having to have it towed and the brakes bled - to which they swore up and down had no leaks. It worked but starting having small electrical problems again shortly after that. Then about 10 days ago, while visiting a friend 40 minutes away, our car wouldn't start. We had to get a jump to get home. After a few days J finally got the time to go and pull out the battery to charge it, and replace the serpentine belt and alternator. He replaced the battery into the car and it drove. One time. So we had it towed again. They claimed it was the battery terminals (which J also cleaned in the process of the other fixes) and replaced them for us. The car ran again just fine with no electrical issues. The next day - yes...oh yes - J went to drive himself to urgent care for an ear infection.... and the brakes went to the floor again.

So it is now sitting again in the parking lot collecting dust. I am back to biking 30-40 minutes to work, a huge inconvenience as it rains nearly every day where I live and I often don't get out until late at night (between 7:30pm - 11:30 pm) or have to be there very early (8-10:30 am); further complicating the fact that I only have two uniform changes and the laundry room of our apartment complex is closed from 9pm to 9am - meaning I often must go to work in a previously worn uniform since I did not have time to wash and dry it.

My laptop finally blue-screen-of-death'ed me and I know it was the motherboard. I ordered a new motherboard but did not know that with a Windows 7-factory installed motherboard, that version/license key is tied to that motherboard. So I had installed a motherboard that I couldn't even get to work. I can get it to boot, but not to load Windows. It's actually extremely frustrating. I finally came up with a few other things I can try after trying all of the suggested methods I could find on Google.

Additionally, I got a call for an interview for a job in a bookstore as a cafe lead. I went through the phone interview process, and then a physical interview with the cafe manager. She really liked me and made it seem like I had the entire job in the bag, but that we had to continue going through the motions. I was expecting a call from the store manager for my last interview sometime towards the end of the week or the next week; but she called me within 48 hours and asked me to come in the next morning at 10am as soon as she found out I was available. This to me was extremely encouraging. Unfortunately, when the interview actually took place the store manager gave off the vibe that she did not like me, and told me that she already had a candidate in mind in-store and implied she only wanted to offer me part-time work. Unfortunately, the entire point of my applying for a full time position, is because I wanted full time. Better pay, more hours/salary.

That was really upsetting to me because she attempted to make me feel very small and insignificant when I told her this, giving me the run around but basically implying that because I'm younger than she prefers that I don't deserve the full-time position (which pissed off the cafe manager). I'm in my 20's; it's not as if I'm a teenager with no work experience. In fact, my grocery experience highly complements the requirements of the cafe lead position and I was told that they have many grocery-cafe crossover employees by the cafe manager. I actually had to spend $80 in taxi fees just to make it to one interview and to me it was the ultimate insult to imply that my age somehow meant that I shouldn't get a salary and benefits. My work ethic definitely should determine that, but I had excellent references to back me up and she hasn't even called them yet. The entire flow of the interview felt as if she had a steel door between us and she had made up her mind as soon as she saw me that I did not deserve the position which really has me feeling burnt. I work so hard and am willing to work so hard; I learn quickly and apply myself to bettering the positions I work in. It's a really shitty feeling not to even be given a chance by someone who spent 1/3rd the time with me than the person who actually wanted me to be given the position because they thought I was perfect for it.

A little over a week ago my mother took my grandmother to the doctor for back pain. We found out the next day that actually, her cancer is back. Then the next day we found out that it is extensively metastasized throughout her body and she likely had a few months left and treatment would only prolong it. After a few more follow-up tests, we were told less than a week later that it will be more like weeks. I am devastated. Enough said. We are trying to figure out whether or not I should go see her soon (it will be up to her, she is very old school and may not want visitors.) If I did, it would be just me and Eliza as the car is most likely not an option for driving up and we can't afford round-trip air far for all of us and a hotel. I feel so tied about this as she hasn't met Lili nor Eliza and it doesn't seem fair that Lili would not get to meet her yet Maire and Eliza would. I know it all seems so petty but I guess I'm trying to reason my way out of her dying. She can't die because she needs to meet her granddaughters still. She needs to have time to say goodbye to me. I'm not ready to lose her. I'm not ready to be grandparent-less at age 22. It's not fair, when some people's grandparents live until they are in their 40s and they get all that time and memories with them.

The only positive game-changer I'm currently experiencing is that my midwife offered to be my preceptor if I decide to go into midwifery. As a long-time dream of mine, J and I agreed that I should go for it. So I did. I applied to a distance midwifery college and have a phone interview on August 2nd, with admissions decisions being announced on August 22nd for the Winter Trimester. I have another school I must register at as well, but this is all pending things going smoothly. Which nothing has. I am hoping that I can be given a beacon to wade through this darkness because the past year and a half have been the worst. I don't know what I'll do if I also don't get into midwifery school.

I feel like everything is falling apart everywhere and I just can't catch my breath.

Rainbow is here! Eliza's Birth Story

Some people have been very upset I didn't announce Rainbow's birth right away. We had a lot of reasons why we didn't announce outside of our family and friends (and Facebook), and many of them were personal and we wanted to work through things on our own. Plus, with my computer down I just really wasn't interested in trying to construct posts from the tiny screen of an iPod.

Eliza Jade was born on 6/5/16 at 10:45 am and was 9lb 6oz and 20.5 inches long. 

One of my two due dates was 6/11 and the other was 6/19-6/20 (depending on who you spoke to) for this pregnancy, but I usually am pretty accurate in my reporting of my last missed period and how my midwife should adjust my due date based on my knowledge of my ovulation dates. They seem to always change it by ultrasound (with Maire my due dates were 10 days apart, and with Lili's they were 4 days apart, and with Eliza they were obviously 8-9 days apart) because they always measure me a week behind. The reason for that is that I have a long cycle (33 days) and their measurements are always off because of that.

I worked the day of June 3rd, a Friday, and was feeling pretty miserable for once in all my pregnancies. It had been a rough pregnancy for us, and the culmination of all my annoyances was really starting to wear me out. I kept getting really painful muscle pulls in my groin/lower abdomen under my belly and even wearing a belly brace only seemed to make it worse. Even though I was wearing shoe supports, my feet were always sore and swollen. My stomach was in the way of everything. I was also experiencing a huge amount of indigestion and heart burn and some days would even end up vomiting once or twice. I was feeling tired all the time and on top of that I couldn't sleep well because I had severe pregnancy carpal tunnel and I would wake up with both of my hands completely numb and gnarled like an elderly woman with arthritis. I had started to lose my mucus plug about a week previous and was getting discouraged about that as well.

I came home from work and I was just wiped. I sat around and cleaned the house but everything was annoying the hell out of me. I went to bed early and just laid there when I got up the next morning. Saturday, June 4th was just the tipping point. I felt like a huge awful mess. It was the one year anniversary of my D&C with the twins. Their angelversary. I tried to remember the few good moments of their short pregnancy and that their sister was almost here, and that I'm sure that they would be very happy to meet her. I did adamantly say that I was not sure I wanted her to be born on that day though - because it was already a difficult day to deal with and I did not want to ruin her birthday with mixed feelings and I was thinking and sending vibes out on that.

Alas, I was still feeling pretty weepy although I managed not to sit in despair. I felt weirdly energetic and I remember feeling the itch to get out and go do something as if I would really want to go like, take a mile walk at 9 months pregnant. I felt like nothing was ready and with emotions so high, I started feeling panicky and anxious. I figured it was just my hormones adding on to the already tough emotions and decided to wash the baby clothes (something I'd been putting off). I had forgotten to fill our laundry card the day before and ended up having to pick and choose what to wash. When I got back from throwing the clothes in the washer, I started feeling like I had to use the bathroom. When I got there though, I couldn't even pee. I had four really strong contractions and couldn't get up or even cry out because they were so debilitating.

I was almost certain it had to be just dehydration so when I got up I downed a huge glass of water and sat down on the couch with my feet up. I let J know because we still had stuff to get (J and my midwife were in denial I'd go any sooner than the 11th but I definitely know myself) and I wanted to be ready even if we were weeks out. I called my midwife and let her know because she was due to come over that Wednesday for an appointment anyways and I needed to confirm it. After resting a while the urge to clean took over and I folded and put away the laundry, tidied up, and encouraged J to go to the store since I still felt crampy. He didn't feel like cleaning or going to the store and we were both still in semi-denial, so instead we watched some Netflix. Just before midnight I went pee and when I wiped, I had bloody show. I told Jeff to be prepared for me to go into labor the next morning. We went to bed literally right after that at about midnight.

I nodded off a few times but as soon as I laid down, contractions started. They were pretty annoying and uncomfortable, and coming pretty consistently every 10 minutes or so, so I didn't get any rest. They started to get really uncomfortable by 1:30 am on June 5, and I got up at 2 am very frustrated as I actually was genuinely tired and wanted to sleep. I tried to relax on Facebook on the couch, now having to breath through the intensity a bit. I don't remember what time I ate, but I had a pb & j sandwich at some point between 4 and 5 am. I kept drinking water and at about 5 am I took a bath, with my contractions coming at about 3-5 minutes apart. I was hoping for relief but when I found none, I got out and by 5:30 I was having to really moan through my contractions.

I woke J up moaning at about 6-6:30 and he was upset, we weren't prepared and he hadn't gone to the store for groceries or anything. I texted my midwife to let her know, thinking she might be up. He calmed down after a bit and he told me to go ahead and try another bath because my contractions were suddenly coming every minute, but for just about 15 seconds and they were pretty "painful" actually. Then he interjected that before I jump in, I should call my midwife just in case. She chided me for not calling earlier (my text had gone unanswered because she was asleep still) and let me know she was on her way. I jumped in and they slowed back down to 2-4 minutes apart and I felt a fresh burst of energy and felt great. Since we didn't have the birth pool (it wasn't due to arrive til that Wednesday, when my next appointment was), Jeff set up the bed in preparation for a land birth.

My contractions had nearly stopped by the time the midwife showed up at around 7:40 and she checked me, letting me know I was at least 6-7cm. I stayed in the water, not really wanting to get out. When she arrived my contractions started coming back (prompted I think, by my dilation check) and were fairly intense suddenly. They were only coming either every 5 or 10 minutes and I was able to talk and laugh through my contractions. It was fortuitous that the birth pool had arrived early and gotten to her just before she left to come to my house, so she ended up having it with her. It was my poor fortune that by the time she had arrived, we had no time to set up the pool. So even though we had the pool in the end, I couldn't use it.

After what seemed like just a few more contractions, they spaced back out again to around 15 minutes apart. They were also super mild and hardly hurt at all. I joked with J, although I was serious, that I thought my labor had stalled because there was no way I could progress like this and maybe I should start to walk around or something. He laughed and told me to listen to my body, and asked if I really felt like I needed to get out. I said no, and he said right, my body probably was just resting before the big time.

At 9:30 am I suddenly felt extraordinarily tired. I felt annoyed and flustered although I managed to keep my excitement going. I told my midwife I wanted her to check me as I felt the exact same feeling before I felt pushy with Lilija. She told me I was a really big 9 with just a lip left and if I wanted to, I could start pushing when I was ready. I didn't feel ready to push yet and wanted to give my body time to get rid of the lip so I told her I'd wait. She said that was fine, and I'd definitely have a baby within the hour anyways. My contractions started to pick up again (probably due to the cervical check again) and were really intense and 4-5 minutes apart. Jeff had to keep coming to provide counterpressure to me rocking on my hands and knees in the bath.

I was really fed up with waiting and ready to get the pushing over at about 10:30. I had waited a full hour and still didn't feel like pushing. I asked my midwife to break my water, thinking that was impeding my labor (it did with Lilija, and my water had to be broken while I was pushing for her to descend). When she went to check me one last time to get ready to break my bag of waters I felt a lot of pressure and a decent amount of pain - as my water broke. She had asked if I were peeing and I said no, so she didn't even end up getting the chance to break my waters.

After that my body immediately began pushing, the pressure was once again super intense just like with Lilija. I kept pushing and my midwife told me I still had the cervical lip, and if I wanted her to hold it out of the way. I told her no, but I'm pretty sure she didn't see me shake my head because she did in fact hold it out of the way during that contraction. During the next one, Eliza crowned and I was able to feel her head momentarily; but the next contraction happened so fast that I was pushing again before my midwife could tell me to keep pushing. Right after she had said that though, she exclaimed that I needed to get out. I started to stand but before I could even get all the way up, I found myself lifted out of the tub and onto the floor by my midwife. She told me that I needed to push right now, and I did. It was an incredibly painful push, but Eliza was out in seconds.

She put her right on top of me, and I got to hold my wet and purple baby, and just as I wondered it my midwife confirmed that she was actually a girl (since it was still a bit unclear until then). She explained that she could see the baby's shoulder was stuck during the push before that, and knew she needed to unstick it because the baby started to go back inside of me during the push, when she should have come sliding out. It was a quick push in to my push out that ended up untucking her but that was why it was so painful.

I laid there and held her, feeling nothing but love and relief. I told my husband to take some pictures, which he did while I elevated my legs. My placentas always stop pulsing and detach pretty quickly, as this one did. My midwife attempted to help me push it out because of my position, but a portion of it was still stuck to my uterine wall so she massaged my uterus (more painful than birth, for sure) while I pushed. Finally it came free and J was able to cut Eliza's cord. It was then put in tupperware that went to my freezer immediately. We called time of birth to be 10:45, about 2-3 minutes before the first picture was taken. My midwife helped me up and into bed, and I wiped off on a towel and with baby wipes for the mean time as I was way too tired for another bath or shower anyways.

We laid in bed and I attempted to get Eliza to nurse, which she did for a tiny little while but was mostly still uninterested. Since she was uninterested, my midwife did stats while we were relaxing. After stats were done and Eliza was fussing in my arms, she suddenly erupted into wails. We noticed that it sounded like she was gasping loudly for air with each breath and it was suddenly a question of whether or not we needed to call 911. My midwife ran and got the oxygen tank and I held cupped oxygen to her nose and mouth while she assessed if there were other symptoms. Everything was happening very quickly.

Once Eliza was calmer and nursing a bit, the noises calmed down a little also. It was confusing to us at the time since when nursing she was not gasping but was still making gasping-like noises, and also when she was simply relaxed she was making noises. Assessing her tone, pulse rate, and breathing itself seemed fine so my midwife pulled out the pulse ox (which needed a quick charge) to measure her oxygen levels and all the while I continued keeping oxygen on her. We both decided that before making the decision to go to the hospital and transfer, we should call the pediatrician and get their opinion because everything else was actually perfect. I called Eliza's pediatrician and my midwife called her back-up pediatrician and we consulted with them both. They both thought that a transfer was unnecessary pending pulse ox measurements. As we spoke with them, we took pulse ox while she nursed, while she lay calm, and while she cried and it stayed a steady 99 even when the noises got very loud. The back-up pediatrician could hear the noise and immediately recognized it as Stridor sound, a symptom of a few underlying causes but nothing we needed to rush to the ER for. (You can find out more about Stridor here.) We were advised that a trip to the ER or a call to 911 were not necessary unless anything changed.

We watched and waited for a while tuned into Eliza in case anything changed. Over the course of a few hours, it didn't. So with everything else checking out fine for me and for Eliza, my midwife left. Just after that, my friend and her wife arrived to visit. I was so tired, but felt so much better after eating at about 3pm. I was in awe of this tiny little baby. She is so perfect. She went the first day or so without being interested in nursing and had lost a full pound by day two (10% of her weight). She gained it back for her two week appointment and has since thrived. We have an ENT referral for her Stridor, which they believe to just be Laryngomalacia. Also, although my midwife and two different pediatricians checked her collarbones for fractures and breaks after needing help out following her dystocia, we noticed a very large bone callous at her two week appointment so she did indeed have a fractured clavicle. She didn't complain or favor it for more than a few days (which we figured it would be bruised, anyways) so we had no idea. There is no treatment for it except to let it heal though, so there's the upside on that.

And at the end of the day, it feels like every moment was meant to be.

Photo Property of AroundtheMillstone 2016

Cursed

So I seem to be cursed with computers. I have a pretty old one, it's 8 years old, and it finally died on me after we recently replaced the hard drive, replaced the fan, repasted it, and cleaned it out very good. It was the motherboard, but at the ripe old age of 8, I think it was her time. After bitching to my husband for a few months about my plight (as I have two other computers but everyone else is always using them and if I attempt to change the status quo of what we have going, it ends up with everyone miserable for various reasons), he insisted I just replace the motherboard.

So I ordered one and had to replace it about a week ago. Except, even though I was pretty thorough in my research it had one problem... with Windows 7, a motherboard is tied to that registered Windows key. Since mine was a factory install that was bought right after Windows stopped shipping discs with computers; I didn't get a Windows install/fix disc. So I've been trying to find a work-around or solution. My computer is well out of warranty so Microsoft won't help me even if I asked (unless I want to hand them some more money, and if they still have support for my model).

I think I have figured out a solution to attempt in the next few days based on some of the articles and things I have read on my problem. I mean, a blue screen of death "BSOD" is really a bad sign even if your computer is not as old as mine. At the end of the day, if I "have" to, I'll try to move the most important things manually but my hard drive is just soooo large for my computer, it would be a huge pain in the butt. So we'll see. But something like this always happens about once a year to me and I'm beginning to think technology hates me (although I love it, as obviously I am still trying to perform CPR on such an old computer... she is well-loved.)

Another problem I'm having with technology is with Pokemon Go, as my phone plays the game great although it is literally a battery drain after just about an hour's worth of game time but my iPod (whose battery doesn't drain so fast) keeps throwing me the error "GPS Not Found" even though I have maximized my settings for my GPS connectivity. So if it even loads on my iPod, it won't allow me to catch Pokemon or my character and if I play on my phone, it kills it really quickly. I guess both are known problems and so close to launch I expected a few snags. I hope they figure out a solution to at least one problem so I can truly enjoy the game as it was meant to be played.

As far as rating Pokemon Go, they could have done a much better job at giving you a tutorial (which is nonexistent) and giving more Pokestops and Gyms (at least for my area, which is very suburban there is very little within walking distance.) I also foresee supplies in-game being a huge issue for users like me who only have about 5 poke-stops nearby and not in locations where you can really sit and farm for Pokeballs and other supplies you need. The only solution they have for that problem is to actually buy Pokecoins to use for supplies.

In my head I'm also seeing some problems thinking about the functionality of gyms, because you pick a "team" and when you battle a gym, you have to completely wipe out the other side which can be 3+ trainer's worth of Pokemon before you can even place one of yours there. You do get free stuff if your Pokemon manages to stay at the gym, but users who have a lot of free time and means to travel frequently to spots to farm and train and/or who spend money to maximize their Pokemon are going to have a huge advantage and eventually it may not be possible to dethrone a team. People are not going to want to compete with that especially if they can't travel frequently or spend money on a game like this.

So far the level-up system is also incredibly costly of your hard-earned rewards and compounded with all the problems I've already mentioned, I see this being a really hard thing to do. I haven't battled yet myself, but I've also heard that the battle-system is also a huge departure from previous Pokemon battles and is very confusing and cumbersome at times. I guess time will tell for sure if they are going to manage to fix all of these issues (or potential issues) or whether it's another game that gets off to a fantastic start but tapers off once users realize its major flaws and unfair disadvantages most people are going to have. I'd like to play it at least, so let's hope!

Preparations

It's been a while since my last blog post because we've had so much going on! Mostly good news, so I can't even complain.

Firstly, we may be moving right after I have the baby. Our lease is up and they want to renovate this apartment and move us to a renovated one. So we've been going back and forth about whether we should agree to the move because though we don't mind moving, we don't think that we should be charged a "relocation" fee for something they want us to do. The bonus of the other apartment is also that is has a lot more windows, which I've been desiring for a while and it's a very short distance move if we decide to go for it. We've been tidying up for the birth (since I'm hardcore nesting) so this may actually benefit us if we move too.

Also, we ordered the home birth kit and put the crib together (side-carred to the bed). I ordered the birth pool Wednesday at my last prenatal appointment at about 34 weeks (according to the further due date I have). The appointment didn't go so well, my blood pressure was really high (for me) and my pulse was racing, and the baby's heart rate was also slightly high. I had a headache that day and combined with other symptoms I've been having including swollen joints like fingers, toes, ankles, and intense sharp pain on my right side abdomen she was worried about pre-eclampsia. The test came back negative for protein in my urine so it's definitely not pre-e although since the symptoms are still around she is sending me for an ultrasound Tuesday. I won't order the birth pool liner until the ultrasound just in case, however unlikely, my symptoms amount to more than end-of-pregnancy irritations. The upside to this is also that I can ask about gender for-sure and it will give me time to return anything if it turns out to be the opposite gender we're expecting (girl).

I haven't had a lot of spare time or motivation besides this as I'm still actively working a full schedule and trying to nest and deal with being pregnant because I'm so tired of being pregnant. I have never been this tired of being pregnant and it actually makes me a bit disappointed in myself. I'm in my own way, I'm in pain a lot of the time, tired, and I can't stop peeing every 10 minutes. I've been pregnant all but 3 months since April of last year (we will have lost the twins one year ago on 6/4) and while I'm thankful to be pregnant with a healthy baby; I just feel like I can't do much more of this. The upcoming angelversary of the twins I think has a lot to do with it, but also the uncertainty of when my actual due date is and how much longer I have to wait. I don't feel like the pregnant goddess I was with M and L, instead I feel like a frumpy old maid who's cranky all the time. I want to feel like me again. I want to have a glass of wine when I've had a hard day and I want to stop struggling to keep my blood pressure regular with the underlying POTS. I feel like it's a fight to do everything this time around.

Work isn't helping, they keep giving me extra long shifts (longer than nearly everyone else's at 7-9 hours) and except this week I've had 5 long shifts in a row with two days off each week. I know this sounds 'normal' but for what I do and how we're scheduled, this is actually pretty extreme of a schedule. Since I'm in customer service, I also work several different roles and they keep putting me in one role that is starting to become irritating and a strain because of my size and they keep doing it even though I've mentioned it. My midwife recommended I limit myself to 6 hour shifts max so they're in for a surprise next schedule. I'm also getting fed up with nearly every single customer mentioning my pregnancy. Because I'm already frustrated about how much longer I have to go (potentially up to 2 more months), telling me I look like I'm ready to pop and when am I going to stop working is literally going to make me blow up. I want to stop working but I also want as much time as I can get with the baby so it won't be anytime soon, so I really just want to slap everyone who asks.

This has turned into more of a whine than intended but I guess I needed to get it out! I really haven't been as miserable as this sounds, we've gotten tons of good news and there's plenty of times I feel great, but I must have pent up more than I thought! We also got our taxes back finally so I will be getting a few private driving lessons so I can just go get my license finally. It hasn't been a priority up to this point but it's become clear I really need to in order to make everything easier on all of us.

So anyways, we're just that much closer to being prepared for the baby! I can't wait for him/her to get here. Really.

Book Review: The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss

So I've been meaning to start doing some book reviews for a while, just as a hobby for myself. With POTS, brain fog and memory troubles are common and I am definitely one who suffers from them (worse as the years go on). I keep track of the books I read and rate them, but often have trouble remembering exact details when a sequel comes out, or when I go to talk about it with a friend or as a recommendation. It's not even that I don't read well enough to remember the details - I do - in the long-term. I don't know all the science behind it, but I did take a university class on learning and memory and the basics say that some people remember details better long-term than short term. My brain has a hard time connecting the storage links between my long term memory and short term memory, so I may not be able to tell you what show was on 6 minutes ago, but in 6 months I'll recall what show it was, what scene it was, and what was said. It sounds odd and backwards - but that is just how POTS has affected my memory personally. In other words, doing some book reviews are meant to try and help jog my memory and keep it fresh while also giving other readers insight into books they may want to read! Double win.

So here goes.

The Name of the Wind

Patrick Rothfuss

I want to start off by saying that I love fantasy and sci-fi; but there are certain sub-genres that really really just repel me for no particular reason. Many of them have covers that remind me of dime-store (I guess, dollar-store now) paperbacks that have fluff-filled pages that lonely women and men read because they themselves are as flat and fluff-filled as the books. Even if the subject of the book and the excerpts on the covers make me want to read it; a bad dime-store cover will make me put it back on the shelf. No kidding. So when my best friend told me about this book they were reading, it sounded interesting and I looked it up. The picture happened to be something that reminded me of a dime-store romance novel, and immediately I was put off. I hesitated buying it myself because again, instantly I was afraid of what could be behind the cover if that's what it looked like.

For my birthday my other best friend ended up buying it for me anyways, in paperback with the cover shown above. I started reading it a few days after my birthday last July because I needed somewhere to escape and I had nothing to lose by reading it then. I instantly fell in love with the book, and ate it up. In August I set it down after my husband had a heart attack with about 150 pages left out of 722. So close to the end, but other things took precedence and then I was just definitely not in a good place to be delving into anything. I picked it back up a few days ago, feeling ready to get excited and invested again.

Patrick Rothfuss has talent. Truly, he has a way with words. The writing style and flow is perfect; it has just enough detail that the reader has a fully-formed picture in their head but enough of it is left up to the reader to fill in the blanks that each reader definitely will have a different picture in their head. And that's important, isn't it? That each reader gets to fill in the blanks for themselves with just enough guideline that the picture of the story is unique for each reader? The story weaves and reads so easily and thoroughly that you are pausing to think on concepts and themes you almost didn't notice except as an afterthought; leaving you in a place of contemplation and reflection.

Rothfuss dives right into the life of Kote, a man now known as the innkeeper out in the middle of nowhere; with his assistant Bast. Something is very wrong about the picture though, and as a newcomer stops into his inn; it starts to unravel. Many stories have been told and re-told about the legendary man Kvothe, and Kote decides to set the record straight about who Kvothe really was and divulge the truth about each and every tale of Kvothe Kingkiller. Between the stories Kote tells of Kvothe's youth and the events occurring in the present at his inn, you get sucked not only into where the present events might lead but to the life story of a man-legend who somewhere along the line, got lost in the tales and myths of his own making.

I find myself still reeling about Kvothe and his love interest, Denna, and about how such a poor young man will make his way up to such a legend. I can easily picture all of the places of the story and walk through as if I've been there. Such a fully-formed world makes it so easy for you to wonder about what stories aren't being told; and wildly exasperate you on what solutions and events will arise around Kote and Bast. Most of all, I am not able to instantly jump and guess at the sequence of events that will occur next - as this is no re-told re-told fantasy tale of Prince Galahad or some snuffy kid pulling magic out of nowhere and becoming instantly important and three-dimensional and wise.

I do have to note as an after-thought that if you buy this book, I recommend buying it in Hardcover. I take excellent, excellent care of my books and this one is so large that the binding is crinkled and worn just from one read-through and the covers are frayed at the corners and scratched elsewhere for very literally, no particular reason. I love this book so much that I will definitely invest in a hardcover later, and will be buying all the the sequels in hardcover when I buy them on my dime. But for now, I will begin the continuation of Kvothe's tales in ebook form through my library.

Happy reading! 

How We Save Money

So many people have asked me in my day-to-day how we save money. With a small income despite both of us bringing in money, we have more in savings than most people in our situation (though I never divulge money talk, I do talk about us being able to buy a house in a year or two and trying to keep it all together, of course). I mean, I get the whole, "How are you guys affording three kids on your income?!" and the truth is we struggle. We struggle with the balance of trying to keep our living affordable and splurge enough that we have things that we want. It's not easy for us either.

The other truth is; it has to do with mindset. As Pagans, we live pretty simply. I don't have a lot of decorations around my house because in my opinion, it would be a waste. We don't own this apartment and it would be clutter that we'll eventually have to pay to move to our permanent home (when we buy it). We have little furniture, just enough that all of our needs are met (and honestly, it is almost too much for our apartment anyways!) It's not even that we're disinterested in having decorations and furniture, I would love to hang a bunch of pictures and paintings and have decorative pieces that make our place more homey. It's just not practical for us right now in terms of space and storage. Not to mention we're about to have three littles to babyproof for. The other piece is; we don't smoke and Daddy J only drinks a bit of beer now and again. We don't have expensive hobbies because we know that we can enjoy ourselves with it costing us ridiculously; and we always discuss and rationalize with one another: Does it serve a need? Does it serve a want? If it is a want, can we justify the expense? If we can't; does it still serve an irreplaceable service? Sometimes we have the be the voice of reason to one another and remind ourselves of our long-term goals.

So the big question is: How do we do it?

Well, when we're sitting in more comfortable times we don't watch our spending as closely. This has come to bite us in the butt. It's not even that we have ever gotten ourselves into a pinch; it's just that we saw our bank account suffer and knew that if something hugely dreadful happened (such as to our car; which is nearly 17 years old) that we would take a big hit and then have to scrape and scramble to get by especially since my job is part-time so hours vary widely (I've had anywhere from 15-40 hours per week) due to departmental production which determines the hours available to divide up between employees and individual production which determines what percent of that you can be given. I would love to discuss how ridiculous this is in my field but I also like making money and not being fired. Wink wink.

As we've cinched our belts up I've come up with some really great ways to save money but it's really nothing new to most people. Couponing and rebates. I swear. Now, I'm no expert and far from a master. As Pagans also trying to live responsibly and as natural as possible; there are also a lot of products we just don't buy that are from the main coupon categories. So we have to keep it to mainly food items or household items we really need even if it's not our preferred brand (sacrifices, sacrifices). We don't really use Groupon or other things that still cost money like to go out to dinner or those type things.

So, we shop usually at our local Winn-Dixie and Aldi's which has some of the best prices in our area (besides Walmart, but not by enough). I get the ads weekly and make a list of what we need; then price compare from each store. Aldi's doesn't take coupons, so I have to keep that in mind when I price compare. I may be able to get similarly priced items for much cheaper at Winn-Dixie if I have coupons and/or rebates. With Winn-Dixie we're also part of the baby club so they send us a monthly coupon sheet on things like diapers ($3 off any), wipes ($1 off any), juice, chips or crackers, etc. I can use those on top of any manufacturer's coupons so it's a double whammy, but only once a month.

So once I have my list of price-compared items, I go to my two go-to rebate apps on my iPod, Ibotta and Shopkick. Ibotta is #1 in terms of breadth of items, the amount of rebates, and stores (ie. you can get rebates for going out to eat anywhere and purchasing any kind of chicken strips or buying alcohol anywhere). So I brand-compare at that point (ie. if a specific brand of snack is on rebate vs. a brand we usually get) and then check against the ads and prices, tallying the rebates into the prices. Once I have that done, I check my Winn-Dixie app on coupons and then print manufacturer's coupons (if any available) and check my Catalina coupons (the ones that print on the registers at the grocery store) and tally in that price. Now, I know that Winn-Dixie also takes competitor's coupons, so I sometimes also combine competitor's coupons with my manufacturer's, store, and rebates.

Usually by the end I have two very clear-cut lists of what I'm buying at one store vs. the other and have all of the coupons ready. If I go to Winn-Dixie, I also know that they mark certain items down with in-store coupons if they are close to expiration or overstocked. I have seen $5-8 off of meat in-store leaving steaks to be just $3-5 before coupons (if you have any) although I don't buy their meat just because of our local reasons. So now I'm up to five ways to save in coupons: I have manufacturer's/Catalina coupons, store coupons, in-store coupons, competitor's coupons, and rebates.

The hard part is you always have to make sure that the coupons match up with each other, ie. quantity. If you have a store coupon that says $0.75 one juice and a manufacturer's that says $1.00 off of two; you can still redeem both offers but you would have to buy 2 juices to get the manufacturer's coupon (and then the $0.75 will apply to just one juice of the two.) However if you're buying something like vitamins; and a competitor's add says buy one, get one free at say 50-100 count, that means that only the bottles with 50-100 vitamins in them will count. So if you have a manufacturer's coupon that says you can have $1.50 off of 2 bottles of vitamins 200 count, you can't use both. In my opinion, it's easiest to forget to check the count or quantity on things so always double check when you plan to combine deals.

Now I shop! At Winn-Dixie I always double-check produce, dairy, and bakery for items with in-store coupons. If I can get $1 off a one gallon jug of orange juice, I can combine that with the store coupon for an additional $0.50-0.75 off which is still a good deal; and sometimes I can get $1 off a name brand juice (or two, if another coupon specifies) and still get to use the manufacturer's, competitor's, and rebates.

Let's just pretend that Simply Made is on sale at Winn-Dixie for $3 each, and you have a manufacturer's coupon that says $0.75 off of two Simply Made juices; and then you have a store coupon that says $0.75 off of one juice, but you also have a competitor coupon where their deal is buy one, get one free. Now imagine that each bottle of Simply Made is 5 days before expiration so there's a $1 in-store coupon on both. So, let's combine. Buy one, get one. So you're just paying $3 for the one. Take off the $1 coupon on each, so you're paying just $1 already. Now use your manufacturer's coupon for $0.75 on two, and now you're down to paying $0.25 on two juices. You still have your store coupon, so that's another $0.75 off. You've now made $0.50 but Winn-Dixie doesn't give cash-back because of coupons, so your juices would just be free. So you have 2 Simply Made juices for free. But it gets sweeter. You still haven't redeemed your rebate. On Ibotta, they have a $0.75 rebate on any Simply Made product. At home, scan the barcode on one of your juices (you can only redeem one item rebate per transaction) and upload your receipt to the app's standards. Within 24 hours, you now have made $0.75 on your juices.

Now, it is VERY rare for a deal like that to work out so profitably. But it happened to me this week (not exact circumstances, though). Most of the time you will just get your items for extremely cheap. Extreme couponing like on tv is very rare and an unrealistic bar to set for yourself if you coupon. Know that you will not always get the best deal and that you will sometimes still have to pay full-price if there are no coupons out on any brand of item that you need. I usually can get at least $0.75 off of most items. This week for example, Winn-Dixie had a great deal on Yoplait! 20 for $10 (or $0.50 each) which each yogurt costing usually $0.75 each. There is a Yoplait manufacturer's coupon for $0.50 off of 5 Yoplait. Since Winn-Dixie limits 5 like coupons, and you're buying 20; you only need 4 of those coupons anyways. So I was able to get $2 of the sale already ($8 for 20 yogurts now). Then I actually got to the store and they had a whole row of yogurts 4 days off of expiration that were an additional $0.25 off (in-store markdown). Now, I can't eat 10 yogurts in 4 days... the idea is to have a lot of yogurt on hand that I can eat for say, two weeks or something before shopping again because I know that this deal won't come around for a few more weeks if at all. Anyways, I bought 5 yogurts that were close to expiration so I got another $1.25 off of these yogurts, bringing it down to $6.25 for all 20 yogurts. So not even close to free, but I saved $8.75 on yogurt!

There weren't any rebates on the yogurt; but the thing I love about Ibotta is it offers you flexibility with essentials most people buy. They have rebates for any bread, any eggs, any milk, any orange juice, but also on bananas, onions, and tomatoes in any quantity. If you split up your transactions for multiples (say, you need two loaves of bread then split them up into two transactions) then you'll get the redemption for both breads even if you buy them 2 minutes apart. As soon as the first rebate clears, you can redeem the second loaf. It's all about following the rules and thinking of your transactions like savings tetris.

That is exactly how we save the most money and where we save it! It's all about the Tetris art.

Clarity

So here I go again - I've had a few really amazing ideas! Like truly, I'm excited to have had them. I have been praying for clarity on finding a new job that will allow me to work from home - even if that means going further lengths to stay at home (taking low pay, for example). Last night I finally had some of my best ideas in a long time. The problem is - I'd be going into a market that is already bubbling and brimming with similar ideas and all; and I'd be footing the cost of the prototype myself (though honestly, it wouldn't be that expensive!) On the other hand, I don't want to just develop a prototype when I don't know how much interest it would generate in the market and I don't want someone else to steal my idea (and if I crowdsource before a copyright or other safety measure, then I'm basically giving my idea away for free). So today and tomorrow I'll definitely be thinking about fleshing this idea out and how to safely ask the market what they think. I now have three amazing ideas cooking in my brain that I'll be working towards!!

In less happy news, my mother called this week to let me know my cousin has stage 1 breast cancer. The biopsy showed that it was in the earliest stages and she'll be undergoing surgery this coming week and then beginning radiation after her best friend's wedding in May. They tested and found that it was not hereditary - but for me this is one of my worst fears. Leaving my children without me. I have no problem speaking frankly that unless something really unexpected and tragic happens, I will outlive my husband who is years my senior. I don't want to leave them with no one. On the other hand, I'm reassured that breastfeeding has lowered my risk significantly (she did not breastfeed for very long) and that I do my best to reduce my risks as it is. I'm sad for her and hopeful that it turns out to be just a blip on this timeline of her life, especially with two young daughters to also take care of.

Maire has really had a hard time with behavior for almost a year. We've tried everything but have honestly not tried anything with enough structure to help her, I think. The many tactics and methods we've tried with her simply haven't worked. I know I have spirited children so though it hasn't surprised us, it has frustrated us. It's not even that she's an exceptionally bad child, or misbehaves in any worrying or extreme way. It's that she lacks maturity, responsibility, and self-control that kids her age are supposed to be developing. She is very stubborn, will refuse to use manners and instead make demands, and otherwise just be rude, disruptive, or messy with things she knows better about.

We've tried taking her tablet, taking away the ability to have special snacks (a few cookies, a small Hershey's chocolate, or scoop of ice cream), not being able to go to the park (and more!), and those were last resorts after natural consequences. I tried a loose "marble" system (1 marble for good behavior, -1 for bad) with a reward if she fills up a very small glass with them (think half a Talenti container... my pregnant mind is now on ice cream!) And....nothing. She still treats us like the house butlers and misbehaves and refuses to use manners. So I've implemented a much more strict marble system & natural consequence pairing for her. I'm starting with it today. I will update once every week or two on how it's working or if it hasn't helped at all, so that I can share it on the chance it could help someone else!

As an end note, I am finally going to be a Tula owner! I've been hoping for a Tula since before I was pregnant with Lili, so three years ago. We could never justify the expense until I started working, and we had a million other things that needed to come first as well so it got put off. This pregnancy it was going to be my only "gift wish" so I knew I would get one, but I figured I was going to have to talk J into it and cajole until he agreed we could afford the expense (which we can, a few times over; but we are trying our best to make all expenses necessary in the hopes of buying a house in the next year or two...so saving is our main goal.) We ordered a Tide Pool and J said it was his favorite print; and doesn't even mind the purple with the print! I am so very excited. I hope it would be here by the baby shower, but I am definitely not in a rush since I still have 10 weeks left or more!

Anyways, as always, Blessed Be! It's finally nice to be able to see the sunshine.

Where's your Easter Baskets?

A few people have asked and I'm sure more have wondered; where are the girls' Easter baskets? Why don't we do them?

Well, we don't celebrate Christian Easter... we celebrate Ostara/Eostre, to start with. I would have celebrated on Ostara, but I was called in to work and worked all night until almost midnight. (Instead we celebrated all week over each day.) Most modern Easter traditions stem from Pagan practices, (read: all). Now throw in a heck of a lot of commercialism and pressure to do second-Christmas/Yule. So yes, we haven't done baskets for them. Last year my stepson and daughter-in-law made little baskets for the kids with jellybeans, necklaces, bracelets, and foam glasses. That was really cute but they lost interest in like five minutes and wouldn't eat the jellybeans. We did an egg hunt with my oldest (then three) who lost interest in looking after another five minutes and I had to go and retrieve all but one egg. So it was a bust.

Instead, we decided that this year we'd keep it simple. Today me and M made Ostara honey cakes (which turned out delicious), and in a little bit we'll boil the eggs to color later. The whole time we were cooking I was giving lessons on where the food comes from and how thankful we should be because of the sacrifices of the animals. I explained that even though our eggs are free-range, grass-pastured from humanely treated chickens that the chickens still treat their eggs like babies and they get sad when the farmers take them away. Things like that. She didn't end up enjoying the honey but it's a recipe I'll be making again!

We colored eggs and looked at the full moon and did things age-appropriate. We have chalk and bubbles too that we were going to take them out to use, but alas it has rained for almost the entire week! Darn Spring! We spread out our celebration and will have continuous talks about the seasons and celebrating each one. I have no problem making baskets for them in the future, but rest assured it will not be filled with sickly-sweet candy (that they don't like anyways), useless toys that break, or cheap stuffers that are meant to appease them and have nothing to do with the holiday. Oh no. If M and L decide they want baskets next year, it will be filled with something that actually celebrates Spring. A nice book about Spring, some coloring tools, maybe a plant or some gardening tools and seeds, and other varied age-appropriate things (I was thinking a crystal necklace for Maire or finger puppets of baby animals for Lili.)

I'm excited to build new traditions with my kids! It would be easier and nicer if we had our own yard, but until we do... there's plenty of other ways to celebrate.

Ostara Blessings Upon You

Full of Sass

So She-Hulk-1 and She-Hulk-2 ripped their door out of the wall this past month...not just off the hinges, but out of the wall. We're not sure exactly how they managed it because we had a metal door stop on the top hinge and a rubber stopper underneath the bottom of it and their room is carpeted. Today, they managed to pull the oven door off of their very sturdy, new wooden kitchen that my parents bought them. Thankfully we have it anchored to the wall because whatever they did, the kitchen door is irreparable.

They are both becoming very sassy little girls, they are alphas just like momma and dad. They know what they want, say what they mean, and have little to no patience. They are finally at the age where they stick up for each other and enjoy playing with each other most of the time. I never had a sister, so to me this is the best thing to be able to witness as their mama. I am so glad that, at least for now, they are each other's best friends (behind being mommy's best friend according to my four year old).

Right now, sitting at the table with me, Lili is singing "Twinka twinka 'tar" and "Row Row Row (Your Boat)" and Maire is teaching her The Wheels on the Bus, ABC's, and playing peek-a-boo and singing Daniel Tiger songs.

Besides that, they are so smart and so unique.

Maire's favorite tv show right now bounces around but she likes most of the educational stuff with some Courage the Cowardly Dog or Winx Club thrown in. Her favorite color is red and her favorite number is 4, and if you ask her she'll insist that they should be your favorites too. She loves to wear pink because it's "almost red" and she plays games on her tablet well above her age group (like games meant for 7-11 year olds) and she absolutely loves to read books. Another huge thing for her is she actually makes up her own stories to go with the pictures or tries to read the story from memory. She reads every single night before bed. She loves talking about Halloween and witches and how she's a fairy witch. She also now introduces herself as Mimi, Princess Mairead Rose. Full of sass!

Lili also really loves to read and books. Her favorite shows right now are Super Why, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, and her favorite of favorites is "Yummy and Yucky", better known as Tommy and Chuckie from Rugrats. Sometimes she says their names, and sometimes she calls them Yummy and Yuckie. For just turning two, she's been really uninterested in learning her colors even though she loves to color (LOVES) but she has recently identified orange, yellow, and pink on her own (and she's known blue for a while). She loves bathtime, boats, balls, and "bays" (babies) although she isn't interested in hearing about the new baby coming yet.

These girls are huge too. Just last month we went to the ER because we all had bronchitis and it wouldn't go away on its own with homeopathic help, so we got some z-packs. Turns out, M tested positive for the flu so we probably all started out with the flu and didn't even know it except we were all suffering the lingering coughs and post-nasal drips (mine being the worst of us all). Lili and Maire's were so slight, even the ER originally thought it was just viral. But we did weigh and measure them. Maire is 42" tall, and weighed 40lbs. Lili is 36" tall and weighed 25 lbs. That puts M at about 62nd percentile in weight, and 50th in height. It also puts Lili in the 86th percentile for height and 54th in weight.

As far as Rainbow coming, J and I were going to throw a baby sprinkle because we've had a lot of people asking about our baby shower or if they can get the baby something and with no one down here to really throw us one, I figured I'd just have a little party for those who asked. Turns out my best friend N was planning a surprise one, so that blew away the surprise. But for me, that's okay, I don't need it to be a surprise for it to be special! Also, it helps because I hate not having even a little control over things.

My glucose test is Monday and I can't help but wonder if the next phase of pregnancy is going to drag or not. It already feels like I've been pregnant forever. I'm trying to enjoy every moment I can and I do treasure every kick and bounce, but I'm just ready to meet Rainbow already. I should be clear for homebirth if I pass my glucose and nothing else comes up! I can't wait for that too, although I'm nervous because I know what to expect this time. I know I could do it again, but I feel like if my labor is much longer than last time, I'm going to have a really hard time. Lili's labor was really short but really intense. I went from a 2 at 5:30 to an 8 at 8:15 to birth by fetal ejection reflex at 8:45 exactly. J missed most of the labor because we thought we had time and he had to keep running to the store for last minute items. I also wanted a photographer this time around but it just doesn't seem like we're going to be able to squeeze that in either. I'm kind of disappointed about that. Okay, maybe majorly. But I will get over it!

I have to start hypnobabies again soon, but darn it, with all this sass going on when will I have the time?! Hahahaha!

Viability

We passed a very important milestone this month. I held my breath through every appointment (some, quite scary) as we struggled to find the baby's heartbeat several times. I usually take weekly belly pictures and chronicle my journey but this time, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like holding back was the only solution and I couldn't emotionally handle getting excited or hopeful. As time has gone on, it's gotten much easier. We of course picked names and as the baby started moving, we started to feel attached. That was scary too.

Emotions go up and down and it's really hard to find an even keel still. Although the wound has stopped bleeding, the gaping hole remains. We have a lot going with other things as well and it has made it just that much harder to dig up the motivation necessary to push myself into all the things I've been meaning to do! Which there's a huge laundry list, but we're getting there! Nesting has already started and we had to order a new playpen for Lili which is actually more meant for Eliza since Lilija will outgrow it soon. Which brings us back to viability. Eliza (well, our MaterniT21 testing determined baby was a girl, and ultrasound said *maybe* baby is a boy, but with our current record of two girls; we're going to go ahead and assume baby is a she!) reached viability on Leap Day. We had an appointment this past Monday and we're measuring right on track. It is a huge, huge weight off of our shoulders and we finally feel able to really be excited. I know that anything can still happen, but it was that one milestone that made the difference for us this time.

I'm looking for a new job but I'm not really sure anyone will be willing to hire me at 25+ weeks pregnant right now, but the job I currently have is causing too much stress and madness for us. The schedule is never regular except for knowing I almost exclusively work afternoons/nights and many of my shifts call for me to leave the house at 2:30-3pm and get home at 11:30-12am. The only thing keeping me from outright quitting is knowing we have Eliza coming. After she is born, I am pretty sure I will not be going back and instead will focus on trying to land a new (hopefully better paying, even just by a little!) job since the one I'm at is asking for me to basically be lower-middle management for barely minimum wage but still haven't been trained for all aspects of my job. I am just ready to wash my hands of it and move on to better things.

J and I took our friend out to dinner for her birthday today. We hardly get out and it's so refreshing to get out even for just an hour or two (yes, even wrangling kids in a busy, tiny but packed pizzeria) and not stress about errands we have hanging over our heads on my meager days off. We're going to plan some sort of babymoon I think but we haven't even tried to figure out what yet. I know it will all depend on my job's scheduling and approval for time off.

In the meantime I'm hoping to sink my claws into a whole slew of projects (hopefully) that will help with the lack of fulfillment I'm getting on the job front. I've shelved a lot of my interests and projects to work hard for this job and it feels like I'm hammering at granite with flint. I've sort of lost myself and I need to find my creative spark and madness again to offset everything else going on! Definitely something I've changed my mind on - growing up poor I vowed to put everything second to financial security and that you can't split your focus if you truly want to succeed; but I now see that you can have both even if it's difficult...because it's necessary. 

Overall, hurrah! I can't wait to see where this year is going to lead us after so many storms. The clouds can't eclipse the rainbow.