Viability

We passed a very important milestone this month. I held my breath through every appointment (some, quite scary) as we struggled to find the baby's heartbeat several times. I usually take weekly belly pictures and chronicle my journey but this time, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt like holding back was the only solution and I couldn't emotionally handle getting excited or hopeful. As time has gone on, it's gotten much easier. We of course picked names and as the baby started moving, we started to feel attached. That was scary too.

Emotions go up and down and it's really hard to find an even keel still. Although the wound has stopped bleeding, the gaping hole remains. We have a lot going with other things as well and it has made it just that much harder to dig up the motivation necessary to push myself into all the things I've been meaning to do! Which there's a huge laundry list, but we're getting there! Nesting has already started and we had to order a new playpen for Lili which is actually more meant for Eliza since Lilija will outgrow it soon. Which brings us back to viability. Eliza (well, our MaterniT21 testing determined baby was a girl, and ultrasound said *maybe* baby is a boy, but with our current record of two girls; we're going to go ahead and assume baby is a she!) reached viability on Leap Day. We had an appointment this past Monday and we're measuring right on track. It is a huge, huge weight off of our shoulders and we finally feel able to really be excited. I know that anything can still happen, but it was that one milestone that made the difference for us this time.

I'm looking for a new job but I'm not really sure anyone will be willing to hire me at 25+ weeks pregnant right now, but the job I currently have is causing too much stress and madness for us. The schedule is never regular except for knowing I almost exclusively work afternoons/nights and many of my shifts call for me to leave the house at 2:30-3pm and get home at 11:30-12am. The only thing keeping me from outright quitting is knowing we have Eliza coming. After she is born, I am pretty sure I will not be going back and instead will focus on trying to land a new (hopefully better paying, even just by a little!) job since the one I'm at is asking for me to basically be lower-middle management for barely minimum wage but still haven't been trained for all aspects of my job. I am just ready to wash my hands of it and move on to better things.

J and I took our friend out to dinner for her birthday today. We hardly get out and it's so refreshing to get out even for just an hour or two (yes, even wrangling kids in a busy, tiny but packed pizzeria) and not stress about errands we have hanging over our heads on my meager days off. We're going to plan some sort of babymoon I think but we haven't even tried to figure out what yet. I know it will all depend on my job's scheduling and approval for time off.

In the meantime I'm hoping to sink my claws into a whole slew of projects (hopefully) that will help with the lack of fulfillment I'm getting on the job front. I've shelved a lot of my interests and projects to work hard for this job and it feels like I'm hammering at granite with flint. I've sort of lost myself and I need to find my creative spark and madness again to offset everything else going on! Definitely something I've changed my mind on - growing up poor I vowed to put everything second to financial security and that you can't split your focus if you truly want to succeed; but I now see that you can have both even if it's difficult...because it's necessary. 

Overall, hurrah! I can't wait to see where this year is going to lead us after so many storms. The clouds can't eclipse the rainbow.