18 Months

Dear Mairead,

I have had eighteen full months with you. I remember my life before you well. Ambling around trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, truly really wanted, in life. It sounds incredibly cheesy - but I knew from the day I found out about you on - this is who I am and was meant to be. I always knew I wanted children; I always wanted to be a mother. I wanted to nurture, teach, and learn from beautiful souls that I had created with someone I truly loved. And that's how it happened. Not as I expected - but in hindsight I feel that that is how it was truly meant to be.

I remember my pregnancy well. I just knew you were a girl. I was so, so sick for so long. I lost a lot of weight. But it didn't get my spirits down. I pushed through with excitement. At 13 weeks, I swore I started to feel you move. Not every day - but once or twice every few days I felt bubbly inside. It was you, I know it. I felt you every day by seventeen full weeks. I loved every wiggle, roll, and nudge. I felt so beautiful on the outside as my belly burgeoned and so deeply moved inside by the miracle you were. I ate what and when I needed, I took my prenatal vitamins religiously, and quit my biggest vice - Pepsi - cold turkey very early on. I was in love with eating - I had never had a very large appetite, and it felt so good to be able to eat more. It was confirmed you were a girl by nineteen weeks.

I was over the moon. I wanted to buy you the world. I wanted so much for you to have when you would make your way into the world. Daddy was so proud, his chest poofed up. He was rapt at the thought of you. We were so excited, proud, happy. I felt like a fertility goddess. So beautiful inside and out. I loved watching your elbow come out of my stomach. I listened to your heart beat. I played you music and read you stories. I talked to you in my head. It was the best time of my life, preparing for you.

And then you came. I struggled to breastfeed you those first few days. You drank colostrum from a syringe until you got the hang of things. I stuck through without even thinking about it. Life was, and still is, a never ending happy journey with you. I watched you smile, giggle, roll, crawl. I watched your hair grow long, your hands and feet get bigger. I watched your wonder and excitement at the world. I cried in joy and frustration. I watched your first teeth erupt. I heard you babble, and then talk. I saw you crawl, and then walk. I saw you walk, and then run. You grow every day. Your vocabulary is ever-expanding. Your curiosity is limitless, your knowledge growing. Every day, you grow a little more. Yet, I remain your epicenter of comfort for a fleeting moment more. I treasure and cherish each passing second of nursing. I know it won't last forever, as my big baby grows more and more. You are staring to want your independence - asserting your preferences and communicating so well. Just a fleeting moment more you will be my big baby.

I adore you. I love you. I can't imagine life any different. I don't want it any different. You are such a beautiful soul, a being whose worth far exceeds my own. I cannot express in words how much I wish for you. Just try not to grow up so fast. Momma's heart is so full of happiness, but is breaking, for time doesn't slow no matter how I beg.

I love you so, so much, Darling.
Mommy