Who's Calling? - #SundaySpirituality

For several nights now, I wake up in the mornings to my alarm. Except I'm not really there. I'm somewhere else. I feel completely disoriented, torn between asleep and awake. My mind can only fill in the blanks with the image of a call screen. I literally see the phone screen in my head, and it overpowers my actual vision. This vision seems to focus on the red "end" button that you see on phone screens. My mind literally grapples, screaming at me to hit the "end call" button but there's a physical disconnect like my body isn't my body and can't actually accomplish this.

When this happens, I can't think of anything else but the red button. It's literally my brain screaming "PRESS THE BUTTON!" and mentally, as if I have a body in my brain, it seems to grope around trying to make synapses and nerves connect. It is a very strange, alarming feeling. When I "snap" out of it, it's gone in a blink. I have no memory of dreams that occur before this moment and no inkling about who this "caller" is and what the call is about.

This isn't the first series of nights that this has happened, it's happened sporadically a few times since maybe the end of winter. It has never been so intense though, or lasted for consecutive amounts of time. Pregnancy dreams are crazy and I've had my fair share, hormones can make your brain do funny things. But this is something...different. Not that. It doesn't feel like a dream. I'm almost certain that I am dreaming about other things before this "call" moment between dream and awake.

It has worried me before when it's happened, but I always figured it was my mind's way of disconnecting from a dream about someone I was hoping to speak with on the other side - my grandmother. I always brushed it off and decided that it's probably nothing, the disorientating vision is just a fluke. Now I'm sure it's not. But despite my efforts, the meaning feels shrouded and just out of reach. Like it's there, it's right there...but I can't see it clearly.

I honestly don't understand. Is this person calling me? Am I calling them? Are they "listening in" without permission, and that's why my waking mind is scrambling to end the call? Or am I hiding this from myself because I'm not yet meant to understand? I know I need to meditate on this, but first I've done a 3-card Tarot spread to help figure out what the hell is going on. 

The Lovers is kind of puzzling, as my marriage is doing great right now and we haven't been arguing or squabbling, no distress or friction between us. It does fit certain other relationships (and by some extension, relationships of others that is directly influencing our life) so this is very interesting. The Three of Wands and Eight of Wands are positive confirmation of things that have been in the works. I'm not sure how it all ties in to this vision, however. 

I'm not sure what to think yet, but I'll definitely be asking some clearer questions. Very curious. I'm going to have a long think on this.

Stormy Seas

So, it's been a while.

Honestly, I haven't even been interested in blogging since last year. Shortly after my last post, everything was still falling apart. I managed to convince my manager to allow me to swap some shifts so I could get a few days off to see my grandmother. We planned to take my mother's minivan and visit for a weekend as my grandmother began deteriorating very quickly at the end of last August.

We drove up with two month old Eliza, 5 year old Maire, and 2 year old Lili. Jeff had just broken his toe, so he wasn't able to do a lot of driving. Right before we left, we were told by her hospice nurse that she had about two weeks left. The day we left, we were told more like a week. While we were almost there, we were told a few days. She was deteriorating - quickly. When we got there, we were able to stay at my parents' house. We were lucky that the oldest girls didn't actually feel uncomfortable in a new place and slept in one of my brother's beds (he was staying with his girlfriend).

Anyways, we immediately settled in and waited for my grandmother to feel ready for us to visit. Her state was so poorly that she had bouts of real pain and had to be medicated almost to the point of unconsciousness. I was afraid most of our visit would be spent that way. I was pleasantly surprised though that she was ready for us to visit within an hour or so of our arrival. She lived in the same apartment complex my parents did, so it was just a walk over.

She was extremely happy to see me and was able to sit up for a little while and watch the girls play on the balcony with me. She wasn't strong enough to hold Eliza but I placed her on her chest for a few moments anyways. It was hard to see her like that, as she was still a very young grandma to me at just 66, and I had never anticipated seeing her again under that kind of circumstance. I was suddenly really overwhelmed with it even though I thought I was prepared. Really, I was just in denial.

My brothers took the older girls for a walk to the park across the street to play while I hung around without the kids. My uncle and his girlfriend helped with Eliza while we all chatted for a while. During our visit she needed to be medicated strongly again and take some rest. The visit wasn't long enough for me, but I don't know that it ever could have been.

The next morning, I woke up to the bad news that she was slipping away already. I went over and spent a few moments alone with her and she could hardly speak. She did tell me that she waited for me to visit and she was still there for me. Later that morning, she passed away surrounded by her loved ones. Getting to say goodbye brought some closure, but even a year later I'm torn up about it.

The other issue is that I got a text from a coworker that I needed to come back 1200 miles even though my manager granted me time off because she was telling coworkers she was going to just fire me for going to visit my dying grandmother. I ended up having to leave that afternoon because I couldn't afford to lose my job - meaning I was going to miss my grandmother's wake and funeral.

That was the last straw for me with that job and I had a new job by the end of September, and officially quit in November. Since then it seems the flow of horrible issues hasn't stopped, but I'm trying to ride the waves until the storm is over. It seems calm seas is becoming more of a rarity, but we're strong enough to withstand anything it brings.

100 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

1. He makes sure I have everything I need, always.

2. He makes sure our daughter has more than she needs, regardless.

3. He is the most selfless person I know.

4. He tries to be so just and fair all the time.

5. He is so compassionate and caring.

6. He is kind whenever possible, to whomever.

7. His laugh makes everything light, it's a ray of sunshine.

8. His loving gaze is bar none.

9. He is really easygoing.

10. But, he is opinionated where it counts, most of the time.

11. He is really creative and has a fantastic imagination.

12. His memory is better than mine more often than not.

13. He tries to empathize whenever he possibly can.

14. His presence is impressive!

15. Yet, he's so tender with his family.

16. He's stubborn and pigheaded sometimes.

17. He encourages everything I want to do, even this blog.

18. He only wants the best for everyone.

19. He will go out of his way to help you.

20. He stands up for himself, he wont but up with other people's BS.

21. He will stand up for you, too.

22. He loves nature and respects it.

23. He knows just how to hold me when I'm feeling blue.

24. He tries his best to comfort me while he can't hold me, even if he knows it won't work.

25. He and I can finish each other's sentences.

26. He will talk about anything if he has something to say.

27. He respects me like no one else ever has.

28. He would never take advantage of anyone else. Ever.

29. He loves to play video games, and I love that more than anyone knows.

30. We share much of our interests.

31. He loves Harry Potter.

32. I can tell him anything.

33. And he won't share it with anyone, not even his best friend.

34. He has a definite sense of honor and duty.

35. Chivalry is not dead, in his opinion.

36. He values his health, so that he can stay with us as long as he can.

37. He would do anything for his kids.

38. He loves making memories and new traditions.

39. He is in general just so family-oriented I can't imagine being anything but.

40. I love how he supported me during our daughter's birth, even when things went awfully.

41. I love that he rides my butt about things I'm supposed to already have done, but haven't.

42. I love that he is so gentle.

43. I love his smile, even though he hates it.

44. I love his scars, all of them, no matter how big or small.

45. I love that he gave his father a kidney. I can't think of anything more selfless.

46. I love that he has experience in the military, but I am also glad he's past that part of his life (what would I do without him for months and months??)

47. I love that he used to play the guitar in a band, for who else would tell me what good music I listen to?

48. I love that he isn't ashamed to do things most consider feminine.

49. As much as I hate it, I love his celebrity crushes. At least I know I'm really his type! LOL

50. Whew, I'm glad he's almost this age.

51. I'm glad for all of his life experiences, but especially for his experience in relationships.

52. I'm glad he is not too prideful.

53. I'm glad he isn't a pushover, as nice as he is.

54. I love his love of loving, bahahaha.

55. I love his gray hair.

56. I love every freckle and every mark he has.

57. I love the way he smells, even if he hasn't showered! Always smells nice.

58. I love how he doesn't mess around with relationships, when he is taken he is completely taken.

59. I love that he has expectations of me in our relationship, it shows he cares and is vested seriously in the long-term.

60. I love his view of me, when I don't see it myself.

61. I love his eyes, he has the most beautiful hazel eyes ever.

62. I love his body shape, I mean...who couldn't resist him?

63. I love that even when he knows he won't enjoy watching something, he'll do it anyways because he knows I do.

64. I love that I can look over and see him sneaking glances at me, that even (almost) four years into our relationship he loves to gaze at me.

65. I love that we both know what we want from life, and how the other person fits in that.

66. I love that he puts up with all of my quirks instead of passing judgment on them.

67. I love that he doesn't try to change anything about me and loves me as I am, but will encourage me if I want to change something for myself (temper, anyone?)

68. I love that he is not as needy as I am, I must drive him nuts. Overly attached wife, much? ;)

69. I love that he has no secrets and that we can share passwords to anything and not need to use them.

70. I love that he'll answer my anxious line of questioning when another woman wants to talk to him, or seems flirty...and answer honestly, and then be able to laugh about it later with me.

71. I love that he makes me feel secure with myself.

72. I love that he puts up with my teasing, especially when he says "y'all".

73. I love that he is so intelligent.

74. I love that he takes care of himself.

75. I love the way he says my name and how he can make me smile.

76. I love that he can be spontaneous even if we had an original plan.

77. I love how his body fits mine perfect!

78. I love that he can be adventurous.

79. I love his bed-head, and I love his hair short or long or anything in between.

80. I love first morning kisses and goodnight kisses, and all the kisses in between.

81. I love all of the little things he does to show he loves me.

82. I love that he trusts me so much.

83. I love that he near-obsesses over my safety.

84. I love how I don't feel like I have to impress him every day, he loves me even when I look awful.

85. I love how his nose is just a little crooked, and that his teeth aren't perfect.

86. I love the slope of his back and the muscles he has all over.

87. I love the way he kisses, it doesn't need to be fast and furious and crazy.

88. I love that he can drink a margarita or wine and feel no compulsion to drink "manly" beer.

89. I love the way he whispers so sweetly.

90. I love how much he can make me laugh.

91. I love his scruffy face when he hasn't shaved for two or three days.

92. I don't care that it doesn't grow in really full.

93. I love that he can tan under a light bulb.

94. I love that he loves the beach.

95. I love that I can sleep on his chest and he will rub my back the entire time.

96. I love that he will give me a massage whenever I ask.

97. I love that he has been with me through every up and down, and inside out.

98. I love that he will shrug all of this off and then get all emotional.

99. I know he will forgive me for only coming up with 100 reasons. ;)

100. Most of all, I love the kiss we shared after I said "I do." I will never forget it.

Call the Midwife

I just finished watching the season premiere of Call the Midwife, a show about a young wealthy nurse-midwife in 1950's England, who heads over to a nunnery in East London and is face with conditions she has never seen before. As an American, we were put through the wringer in over-emphasis of Europe's terrible conditions in this time, compared to our terrible conditions. (Of course the textbooks tried to make it seem like we were less terrible, bah!) The Midwife, Jenny, encounters Syphilis, a premature birth, post-partum hemorrhaging emergency, conditions far beyond her scope of belief and overwhelming sadness for the women.  You can watch the season premiere on PBS, located here. The show will run every Sunday until November 4.

One of the women, the one who went into premature labor, Conchita, had 24 other children by her English husband besides the newborn. Jenny is astounded with their poor living conditions and does not see the love the family has for what it is. It is only in the end, after the baby survives against all odds (30 week premie was not usually viable in the 1950's, regardless of birthplace); that Jenny finally sees. "We must see what love can do." It is a wonderful sentiment. It finally makes her realize that she is not the martyr for the work she is doing, it is the women who are the heroines for all that they do.

Apart from being a nunnery, you can see the sisterhood in Midwifery...it is a part of womanhood; it is every one, it is everyone's job. It is so wonderful, and so comforting, and so...indescribable. It just reinforces my decision to become a CPM. I want to serve women and their families, I want to care for them as they birth their babies (unlike a doctor who "delivers" "it" "for them"), I want to see them through the darkness and into the beautiful kaleidoscope rollercoaster of life. I can't wait. Midwifery is not always beautiful, it is not always easy, it is not always profitable....but what it is always, is a journey. It will always be a journey of life, a pathway of nursing the goddesses who bring for life, nursing new life, and nursing passing life. I want to be a part of it.

One day, I will be proud to call myself a Midwife. I will serve life.

Introductions? Who needs 'em?

8/1 Most of you who read this will probably know me personally. So you will be pretty clued in. For those of you who stumble upon this blog, meh. You will get to know me in time. However, here's the basics. I'm a SAHM of an almost one year old girl and will be married to one fantastic guy really soon.

So we're trying to buy a house; but we've been set back again and again. It sucks. The earliest we can bid now is probably around Oct. 1st. We were supposed to be already in a new one, but hurdle after hurdle has popped up in front of us. It's worse than jumpin' through hoops! Other than that, you'll have to stay tuned to find other stuff out about us!


Rose