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Showing posts with label Husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Husband. Show all posts

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Who's Calling? - #SundaySpirituality

For several nights now, I wake up in the mornings to my alarm. Except I'm not really there. I'm somewhere else. I feel completely disoriented, torn between asleep and awake. My mind can only fill in the blanks with the image of a call screen. I literally see the phone screen in my head, and it overpowers my actual vision. This vision seems to focus on the red "end" button that you see on phone screens. My mind literally grapples, screaming at me to hit the "end call" button but there's a physical disconnect like my body isn't my body and can't actually accomplish this.

When this happens, I can't think of anything else but the red button. It's literally my brain screaming "PRESS THE BUTTON!" and mentally, as if I have a body in my brain, it seems to grope around trying to make synapses and nerves connect. It is a very strange, alarming feeling. When I "snap" out of it, it's gone in a blink. I have no memory of dreams that occur before this moment and no inkling about who this "caller" is and what the call is about.

This isn't the first series of nights that this has happened, it's happened sporadically a few times since maybe the end of winter. It has never been so intense though, or lasted for consecutive amounts of time. Pregnancy dreams are crazy and I've had my fair share, hormones can make your brain do funny things. But this is something...different. Not that. It doesn't feel like a dream. I'm almost certain that I am dreaming about other things before this "call" moment between dream and awake.

It has worried me before when it's happened, but I always figured it was my mind's way of disconnecting from a dream about someone I was hoping to speak with on the other side - my grandmother. I always brushed it off and decided that it's probably nothing, the disorientating vision is just a fluke. Now I'm sure it's not. But despite my efforts, the meaning feels shrouded and just out of reach. Like it's there, it's right there...but I can't see it clearly.

I honestly don't understand. Is this person calling me? Am I calling them? Are they "listening in" without permission, and that's why my waking mind is scrambling to end the call? Or am I hiding this from myself because I'm not yet meant to understand? I know I need to meditate on this, but first I've done a 3-card Tarot spread to help figure out what the hell is going on. 


The Lovers is kind of puzzling, as my marriage is doing great right now and we haven't been arguing or squabbling, no distress or friction between us. It does fit certain other relationships (and by some extension, relationships of others that is directly influencing our life) so this is very interesting. The Three of Wands and Eight of Wands are positive confirmation of things that have been in the works. I'm not sure how it all ties in to this vision, however. 

I'm not sure what to think yet, but I'll definitely be asking some clearer questions. Very curious. I'm going to have a long think on this.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Stormy Seas

So, it's been a while.

Honestly, I haven't even been interested in blogging since last year. Shortly after my last post, everything was still falling apart. I managed to convince my manager to allow me to swap some shifts so I could get a few days off to see my grandmother. We planned to take my mother's minivan and visit for a weekend as my grandmother began deteriorating very quickly at the end of last August.

We drove up with two month old Eliza, 5 year old Maire, and 2 year old Lili. Jeff had just broken his toe, so he wasn't able to do a lot of driving. Right before we left, we were told by her hospice nurse that she had about two weeks left. The day we left, we were told more like a week. While we were almost there, we were told a few days. She was deteriorating - quickly. When we got there, we were able to stay at my parents' house. We were lucky that the oldest girls didn't actually feel uncomfortable in a new place and slept in one of my brother's beds (he was staying with his girlfriend).

Anyways, we immediately settled in and waited for my grandmother to feel ready for us to visit. Her state was so poorly that she had bouts of real pain and had to be medicated almost to the point of unconsciousness. I was afraid most of our visit would be spent that way. I was pleasantly surprised though that she was ready for us to visit within an hour or so of our arrival. She lived in the same apartment complex my parents did, so it was just a walk over.

She was extremely happy to see me and was able to sit up for a little while and watch the girls play on the balcony with me. She wasn't strong enough to hold Eliza but I placed her on her chest for a few moments anyways. It was hard to see her like that, as she was still a very young grandma to me at just 66, and I had never anticipated seeing her again under that kind of circumstance. I was suddenly really overwhelmed with it even though I thought I was prepared. Really, I was just in denial.

My brothers took the older girls for a walk to the park across the street to play while I hung around without the kids. My uncle and his girlfriend helped with Eliza while we all chatted for a while. During our visit she needed to be medicated strongly again and take some rest. The visit wasn't long enough for me, but I don't know that it ever could have been.

The next morning, I woke up to the bad news that she was slipping away already. I went over and spent a few moments alone with her and she could hardly speak. She did tell me that she waited for me to visit and she was still there for me. Later that morning, she passed away surrounded by her loved ones. Getting to say goodbye brought some closure, but even a year later I'm torn up about it.

The other issue is that I got a text from a coworker that I needed to come back 1200 miles even though my manager granted me time off because she was telling coworkers she was going to just fire me for going to visit my dying grandmother. I ended up having to leave that afternoon because I couldn't afford to lose my job - meaning I was going to miss my grandmother's wake and funeral.

That was the last straw for me with that job and I had a new job by the end of September, and officially quit in November. Since then it seems the flow of horrible issues hasn't stopped, but I'm trying to ride the waves until the storm is over. It seems calm seas is becoming more of a rarity, but we're strong enough to withstand anything it brings.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Rainbow is here! Eliza's Birth Story

Some people have been very upset I didn't announce Rainbow's birth right away. We had a lot of reasons why we didn't announce outside of our family and friends (and Facebook), and many of them were personal and we wanted to work through things on our own. Plus, with my computer down I just really wasn't interested in trying to construct posts from the tiny screen of an iPod.

Eliza Jade was born on 6/5/16 at 10:45 am and was 9lb 6oz and 20.5 inches long. 

One of my two due dates was 6/11 and the other was 6/19-6/20 (depending on who you spoke to) for this pregnancy, but I usually am pretty accurate in my reporting of my last missed period and how my midwife should adjust my due date based on my knowledge of my ovulation dates. They seem to always change it by ultrasound (with Maire my due dates were 10 days apart, and with Lili's they were 4 days apart, and with Eliza they were obviously 8-9 days apart) because they always measure me a week behind. The reason for that is that I have a long cycle (33 days) and their measurements are always off because of that.

I worked the day of June 3rd, a Friday, and was feeling pretty miserable for once in all my pregnancies. It had been a rough pregnancy for us, and the culmination of all my annoyances was really starting to wear me out. I kept getting really painful muscle pulls in my groin/lower abdomen under my belly and even wearing a belly brace only seemed to make it worse. Even though I was wearing shoe supports, my feet were always sore and swollen. My stomach was in the way of everything. I was also experiencing a huge amount of indigestion and heart burn and some days would even end up vomiting once or twice. I was feeling tired all the time and on top of that I couldn't sleep well because I had severe pregnancy carpal tunnel and I would wake up with both of my hands completely numb and gnarled like an elderly woman with arthritis. I had started to lose my mucus plug about a week previous and was getting discouraged about that as well.

I came home from work and I was just wiped. I sat around and cleaned the house but everything was annoying the hell out of me. I went to bed early and just laid there when I got up the next morning. Saturday, June 4th was just the tipping point. I felt like a huge awful mess. It was the one year anniversary of my D&C with the twins. Their angelversary. I tried to remember the few good moments of their short pregnancy and that their sister was almost here, and that I'm sure that they would be very happy to meet her. I did adamantly say that I was not sure I wanted her to be born on that day though - because it was already a difficult day to deal with and I did not want to ruin her birthday with mixed feelings and I was thinking and sending vibes out on that.

Alas, I was still feeling pretty weepy although I managed not to sit in despair. I felt weirdly energetic and I remember feeling the itch to get out and go do something as if I would really want to go like, take a mile walk at 9 months pregnant. I felt like nothing was ready and with emotions so high, I started feeling panicky and anxious. I figured it was just my hormones adding on to the already tough emotions and decided to wash the baby clothes (something I'd been putting off). I had forgotten to fill our laundry card the day before and ended up having to pick and choose what to wash. When I got back from throwing the clothes in the washer, I started feeling like I had to use the bathroom. When I got there though, I couldn't even pee. I had four really strong contractions and couldn't get up or even cry out because they were so debilitating.

I was almost certain it had to be just dehydration so when I got up I downed a huge glass of water and sat down on the couch with my feet up. I let J know because we still had stuff to get (J and my midwife were in denial I'd go any sooner than the 11th but I definitely know myself) and I wanted to be ready even if we were weeks out. I called my midwife and let her know because she was due to come over that Wednesday for an appointment anyways and I needed to confirm it. After resting a while the urge to clean took over and I folded and put away the laundry, tidied up, and encouraged J to go to the store since I still felt crampy. He didn't feel like cleaning or going to the store and we were both still in semi-denial, so instead we watched some Netflix. Just before midnight I went pee and when I wiped, I had bloody show. I told Jeff to be prepared for me to go into labor the next morning. We went to bed literally right after that at about midnight.

I nodded off a few times but as soon as I laid down, contractions started. They were pretty annoying and uncomfortable, and coming pretty consistently every 10 minutes or so, so I didn't get any rest. They started to get really uncomfortable by 1:30 am on June 5, and I got up at 2 am very frustrated as I actually was genuinely tired and wanted to sleep. I tried to relax on Facebook on the couch, now having to breath through the intensity a bit. I don't remember what time I ate, but I had a pb & j sandwich at some point between 4 and 5 am. I kept drinking water and at about 5 am I took a bath, with my contractions coming at about 3-5 minutes apart. I was hoping for relief but when I found none, I got out and by 5:30 I was having to really moan through my contractions.

I woke J up moaning at about 6-6:30 and he was upset, we weren't prepared and he hadn't gone to the store for groceries or anything. I texted my midwife to let her know, thinking she might be up. He calmed down after a bit and he told me to go ahead and try another bath because my contractions were suddenly coming every minute, but for just about 15 seconds and they were pretty "painful" actually. Then he interjected that before I jump in, I should call my midwife just in case. She chided me for not calling earlier (my text had gone unanswered because she was asleep still) and let me know she was on her way. I jumped in and they slowed back down to 2-4 minutes apart and I felt a fresh burst of energy and felt great. Since we didn't have the birth pool (it wasn't due to arrive til that Wednesday, when my next appointment was), Jeff set up the bed in preparation for a land birth.

My contractions had nearly stopped by the time the midwife showed up at around 7:40 and she checked me, letting me know I was at least 6-7cm. I stayed in the water, not really wanting to get out. When she arrived my contractions started coming back (prompted I think, by my dilation check) and were fairly intense suddenly. They were only coming either every 5 or 10 minutes and I was able to talk and laugh through my contractions. It was fortuitous that the birth pool had arrived early and gotten to her just before she left to come to my house, so she ended up having it with her. It was my poor fortune that by the time she had arrived, we had no time to set up the pool. So even though we had the pool in the end, I couldn't use it.

After what seemed like just a few more contractions, they spaced back out again to around 15 minutes apart. They were also super mild and hardly hurt at all. I joked with J, although I was serious, that I thought my labor had stalled because there was no way I could progress like this and maybe I should start to walk around or something. He laughed and told me to listen to my body, and asked if I really felt like I needed to get out. I said no, and he said right, my body probably was just resting before the big time.

At 9:30 am I suddenly felt extraordinarily tired. I felt annoyed and flustered although I managed to keep my excitement going. I told my midwife I wanted her to check me as I felt the exact same feeling before I felt pushy with Lilija. She told me I was a really big 9 with just a lip left and if I wanted to, I could start pushing when I was ready. I didn't feel ready to push yet and wanted to give my body time to get rid of the lip so I told her I'd wait. She said that was fine, and I'd definitely have a baby within the hour anyways. My contractions started to pick up again (probably due to the cervical check again) and were really intense and 4-5 minutes apart. Jeff had to keep coming to provide counterpressure to me rocking on my hands and knees in the bath.

I was really fed up with waiting and ready to get the pushing over at about 10:30. I had waited a full hour and still didn't feel like pushing. I asked my midwife to break my water, thinking that was impeding my labor (it did with Lilija, and my water had to be broken while I was pushing for her to descend). When she went to check me one last time to get ready to break my bag of waters I felt a lot of pressure and a decent amount of pain - as my water broke. She had asked if I were peeing and I said no, so she didn't even end up getting the chance to break my waters.

After that my body immediately began pushing, the pressure was once again super intense just like with Lilija. I kept pushing and my midwife told me I still had the cervical lip, and if I wanted her to hold it out of the way. I told her no, but I'm pretty sure she didn't see me shake my head because she did in fact hold it out of the way during that contraction. During the next one, Eliza crowned and I was able to feel her head momentarily; but the next contraction happened so fast that I was pushing again before my midwife could tell me to keep pushing. Right after she had said that though, she exclaimed that I needed to get out. I started to stand but before I could even get all the way up, I found myself lifted out of the tub and onto the floor by my midwife. She told me that I needed to push right now, and I did. It was an incredibly painful push, but Eliza was out in seconds.

She put her right on top of me, and I got to hold my wet and purple baby, and just as I wondered it my midwife confirmed that she was actually a girl (since it was still a bit unclear until then). She explained that she could see the baby's shoulder was stuck during the push before that, and knew she needed to unstick it because the baby started to go back inside of me during the push, when she should have come sliding out. It was a quick push in to my push out that ended up untucking her but that was why it was so painful.

I laid there and held her, feeling nothing but love and relief. I told my husband to take some pictures, which he did while I elevated my legs. My placentas always stop pulsing and detach pretty quickly, as this one did. My midwife attempted to help me push it out because of my position, but a portion of it was still stuck to my uterine wall so she massaged my uterus (more painful than birth, for sure) while I pushed. Finally it came free and J was able to cut Eliza's cord. It was then put in tupperware that went to my freezer immediately. We called time of birth to be 10:45, about 2-3 minutes before the first picture was taken. My midwife helped me up and into bed, and I wiped off on a towel and with baby wipes for the mean time as I was way too tired for another bath or shower anyways.

We laid in bed and I attempted to get Eliza to nurse, which she did for a tiny little while but was mostly still uninterested. Since she was uninterested, my midwife did stats while we were relaxing. After stats were done and Eliza was fussing in my arms, she suddenly erupted into wails. We noticed that it sounded like she was gasping loudly for air with each breath and it was suddenly a question of whether or not we needed to call 911. My midwife ran and got the oxygen tank and I held cupped oxygen to her nose and mouth while she assessed if there were other symptoms. Everything was happening very quickly.

Once Eliza was calmer and nursing a bit, the noises calmed down a little also. It was confusing to us at the time since when nursing she was not gasping but was still making gasping-like noises, and also when she was simply relaxed she was making noises. Assessing her tone, pulse rate, and breathing itself seemed fine so my midwife pulled out the pulse ox (which needed a quick charge) to measure her oxygen levels and all the while I continued keeping oxygen on her. We both decided that before making the decision to go to the hospital and transfer, we should call the pediatrician and get their opinion because everything else was actually perfect. I called Eliza's pediatrician and my midwife called her back-up pediatrician and we consulted with them both. They both thought that a transfer was unnecessary pending pulse ox measurements. As we spoke with them, we took pulse ox while she nursed, while she lay calm, and while she cried and it stayed a steady 99 even when the noises got very loud. The back-up pediatrician could hear the noise and immediately recognized it as Stridor sound, a symptom of a few underlying causes but nothing we needed to rush to the ER for. (You can find out more about Stridor here.) We were advised that a trip to the ER or a call to 911 were not necessary unless anything changed.

We watched and waited for a while tuned into Eliza in case anything changed. Over the course of a few hours, it didn't. So with everything else checking out fine for me and for Eliza, my midwife left. Just after that, my friend and her wife arrived to visit. I was so tired, but felt so much better after eating at about 3pm. I was in awe of this tiny little baby. She is so perfect. She went the first day or so without being interested in nursing and had lost a full pound by day two (10% of her weight). She gained it back for her two week appointment and has since thrived. We have an ENT referral for her Stridor, which they believe to just be Laryngomalacia. Also, although my midwife and two different pediatricians checked her collarbones for fractures and breaks after needing help out following her dystocia, we noticed a very large bone callous at her two week appointment so she did indeed have a fractured clavicle. She didn't complain or favor it for more than a few days (which we figured it would be bruised, anyways) so we had no idea. There is no treatment for it except to let it heal though, so there's the upside on that.

And at the end of the day, it feels like every moment was meant to be.

Photo Property of AroundtheMillstone 2016

Sunday, October 21, 2012

100 Reasons Why I Love My Husband

1. He makes sure I have everything I need, always.

2. He makes sure our daughter has more than she needs, regardless.

3. He is the most selfless person I know.

4. He tries to be so just and fair all the time.

5. He is so compassionate and caring.

6. He is kind whenever possible, to whomever.

7. His laugh makes everything light, it's a ray of sunshine.

8. His loving gaze is bar none.

9. He is really easygoing.

10. But, he is opinionated where it counts, most of the time.

11. He is really creative and has a fantastic imagination.

12. His memory is better than mine more often than not.

13. He tries to empathize whenever he possibly can.

14. His presence is impressive!

15. Yet, he's so tender with his family.

16. He's stubborn and pigheaded sometimes.

17. He encourages everything I want to do, even this blog.

18. He only wants the best for everyone.

19. He will go out of his way to help you.

20. He stands up for himself, he wont but up with other people's BS.

21. He will stand up for you, too.

22. He loves nature and respects it.

23. He knows just how to hold me when I'm feeling blue.

24. He tries his best to comfort me while he can't hold me, even if he knows it won't work.

25. He and I can finish each other's sentences.

26. He will talk about anything if he has something to say.

27. He respects me like no one else ever has.

28. He would never take advantage of anyone else. Ever.

29. He loves to play video games, and I love that more than anyone knows.

30. We share much of our interests.

31. He loves Harry Potter.

32. I can tell him anything.

33. And he won't share it with anyone, not even his best friend.

34. He has a definite sense of honor and duty.

35. Chivalry is not dead, in his opinion.

36. He values his health, so that he can stay with us as long as he can.

37. He would do anything for his kids.

38. He loves making memories and new traditions.

39. He is in general just so family-oriented I can't imagine being anything but.

40. I love how he supported me during our daughter's birth, even when things went awfully.

41. I love that he rides my butt about things I'm supposed to already have done, but haven't.

42. I love that he is so gentle.

43. I love his smile, even though he hates it.

44. I love his scars, all of them, no matter how big or small.

45. I love that he gave his father a kidney. I can't think of anything more selfless.

46. I love that he has experience in the military, but I am also glad he's past that part of his life (what would I do without him for months and months??)

47. I love that he used to play the guitar in a band, for who else would tell me what good music I listen to?

48. I love that he isn't ashamed to do things most consider feminine.

49. As much as I hate it, I love his celebrity crushes. At least I know I'm really his type! LOL

50. Whew, I'm glad he's almost this age.

51. I'm glad for all of his life experiences, but especially for his experience in relationships.

52. I'm glad he is not too prideful.

53. I'm glad he isn't a pushover, as nice as he is.

54. I love his love of loving, bahahaha.

55. I love his gray hair.

56. I love every freckle and every mark he has.

57. I love the way he smells, even if he hasn't showered! Always smells nice.

58. I love how he doesn't mess around with relationships, when he is taken he is completely taken.

59. I love that he has expectations of me in our relationship, it shows he cares and is vested seriously in the long-term.

60. I love his view of me, when I don't see it myself.

61. I love his eyes, he has the most beautiful hazel eyes ever.

62. I love his body shape, I mean...who couldn't resist him?

63. I love that even when he knows he won't enjoy watching something, he'll do it anyways because he knows I do.

64. I love that I can look over and see him sneaking glances at me, that even (almost) four years into our relationship he loves to gaze at me.

65. I love that we both know what we want from life, and how the other person fits in that.

66. I love that he puts up with all of my quirks instead of passing judgment on them.

67. I love that he doesn't try to change anything about me and loves me as I am, but will encourage me if I want to change something for myself (temper, anyone?)

68. I love that he is not as needy as I am, I must drive him nuts. Overly attached wife, much? ;)

69. I love that he has no secrets and that we can share passwords to anything and not need to use them.

70. I love that he'll answer my anxious line of questioning when another woman wants to talk to him, or seems flirty...and answer honestly, and then be able to laugh about it later with me.

71. I love that he makes me feel secure with myself.

72. I love that he puts up with my teasing, especially when he says "y'all".

73. I love that he is so intelligent.

74. I love that he takes care of himself.

75. I love the way he says my name and how he can make me smile.

76. I love that he can be spontaneous even if we had an original plan.

77. I love how his body fits mine perfect!

78. I love that he can be adventurous.

79. I love his bed-head, and I love his hair short or long or anything in between.

80. I love first morning kisses and goodnight kisses, and all the kisses in between.

81. I love all of the little things he does to show he loves me.

82. I love that he trusts me so much.

83. I love that he near-obsesses over my safety.

84. I love how I don't feel like I have to impress him every day, he loves me even when I look awful.

85. I love how his nose is just a little crooked, and that his teeth aren't perfect.

86. I love the slope of his back and the muscles he has all over.

87. I love the way he kisses, it doesn't need to be fast and furious and crazy.

88. I love that he can drink a margarita or wine and feel no compulsion to drink "manly" beer.

89. I love the way he whispers so sweetly.

90. I love how much he can make me laugh.

91. I love his scruffy face when he hasn't shaved for two or three days.

92. I don't care that it doesn't grow in really full.

93. I love that he can tan under a light bulb.

94. I love that he loves the beach.

95. I love that I can sleep on his chest and he will rub my back the entire time.

96. I love that he will give me a massage whenever I ask.

97. I love that he has been with me through every up and down, and inside out.

98. I love that he will shrug all of this off and then get all emotional.

99. I know he will forgive me for only coming up with 100 reasons. ;)

100. Most of all, I love the kiss we shared after I said "I do." I will never forget it.